Children and Young People
When someone takes their own life, it can have a ripple effect across families and communities, including children and young people. One of the many challenges faced by those who are grieving is responding to the needs of children and young people.Â
There may be questions about whether to tell children what has happened and how to go about this. There are some resources and services available to assist in thinking about these questions on the Postvention Australia website. You can also phone NSW PSS on 1300 727 247.
What you tell children and how you tell them will depend on your knowledge and understanding of your child and what they know about death and suicide already. It is preferable that children are told the truth in a gentle, compassionate yet straightforward way; that is, saying that someone they know and love has died and that they took their own life. It is also preferable that the person who tells them is someone they are comfortable with, who they trust and who will continue to care for them. This might be a parent, but if parents are too distressed it may be better that it is someone else.
It’s often assumed that children won't know or understand what suicide means. However, many children from as young as eight years old do understand what it is to take your own life. Even if you think the children are not aware of what has happened, they are extremely sensitive and may have picked up that something is wrong or that they are not being told the full story. Or they may have overheard you or others talking about it.
Communicating about suicide
It will usually be up to you to choose the time to talk about the death. You can sometimes find cues in their play and other behaviour indicating that the child is ready for conversation about the death.
Here are some important things to remember:
- Ensure that you talk to the child in a safe space where there are no distractions.
- Outline the things you would like them to know, these may be facts about the death, how you and others are feeling, inviting but not requiring the child to engage in the conversation with you.
- While you may be letting them know about what has happened, do not go into graphic details.
It is best to be honest (in an age-appropriate way) about the circumstances of the death when supporting children. At some point the truth may come out, and it is better for the child to be told in a safe and nurturing space by a main caregiver. It may also be helpful to explain some of the following concepts around death:
- Everyone is going to die sometime.
- When someone dies, it is permanent (for example, that they are not sleeping, and that they are not waiting for them to come back). Nothing can bring them back, but we can still remember them.
- Sometimes death is sudden, like a traffic accident, heart attack or suicide.
- Regardless of what was said or done, it is not their fault that the person died.
- Though they are gone, there are other people who love them and will be there for them.
- Reassure the child that they did not cause the death. Children may be asking themselves, “Did I cause this to happen?” and often feel guilty or responsible for the death.
- They may have more questions after the initial conversation. It is okay to not know all the answers, and you can say so. Ask your children questions too to help you understand how they are feeling.
- Reassure the child that the grieving process may be painful and take some time, but eventually they will feel better
- If you are explaining why someone ends their own life, it’s important to include some suggestions about what to do when life feels difficult or painful; to be reaching out to people for support and assistance.
It’s not too late to tell your child if you have already told them a different story about the circumstances of the death. You may want to explain that sometimes adults can have difficulties talking about these things and you didn’t know how to best explain it at the time. Correcting information about the death allows you to establish a strong and trusting relationship with the child.
Grief expressions of children
As a carer you may notice children returning to younger behaviours, such as wetting the bed, or becoming clingy, anxious, and demanding of your attention. They may need to ask the same questions many times.
The child may also express their grief through play, repeating the same game or story repeatedly or perhaps including themes of death in their play. These types of behaviour and play are normal for any grieving child.
It can appear that children are coping well as they might not cry or seem sad like adults do. But their grief comes in bursts, going from playing to being sad and back again quickly. Generally, children express grief differently to adults.
- No two children will grieve in the same way. It will depend on their age, their personality, their connection to the person and a range of other factors.
- Children may not be able to verbalise how they are feeling, but they may express it through behaviour and the way they interact with others.
- For younger children, grief may be expressed through changed sleeping patterns, temper tantrums, worries about being separated from family members, refusing to go to school or through repetitive play.
- For older children, they may isolate themselves, have trouble sleeping, or fear rejection or abandonment from friends and family.
- For both younger and older children you may notice that they revert to behaviour more typical of a younger child for a period of time and experience unexplained physical symptoms.
- Grief for children may come and go. At times they may seem to be unaffected, but it does not mean they are not feeling the loss.
- Children’s responses to grief and loss can also be shaped by those who care for them. It can be helpful to maintain routines and consistent people around them to provide support.
- Playing the same thing over and over
- Crying or giggling without obvious reason
- Playing out the loss or themes of death with toys
- Anger or aggression to friends, parents or toys
- Temper tantrums
- Copying behaviours of the deceased
- Acting like a younger child
- Acting more like an adult
- Running away, not wanting to go to school
- Problems with schoolwork
- Being more dependent on parents and needing more help with tasks
- Pains such as stomach aches or headaches
- Sleeping problems, bad dreams
- Eating problems
- Being clumsy
- Lacking energy or hyperactivity
- Restlessness
Some more helpful things to consider for children:
It’s best not to say “They went to sleep. We lost them. They’ve left us.” Instead you could say the person got sick and made their body stop working.
It’s OK for children to see you are grieving. This helps them learn how to grieve and learn that it is okay to talk about and show their feelings.
This helps to provide a sense of safety, however, there may be times to not stick rigidly to routines.
It’s normal for children to worry about forgetting the person who died, what they looked like, how they sounded. Helping them stay connected by talking about special times, creating a photo album or memory box can assist with this.
There are free practical resources for children provided by organisations like StandBy including a grief journal and activity book. See their website at https://standbysupport.com.au/resources/
Play and spend time doing activities together. You can include them in some of the activities mentioned in “Care and Support”. Using play can be a means to find out how they are going and coping.
Encourage the child to spend time with their friends and remain connected. Let them also have a break if they need some time to reflect.
It helps the children have support and not have to keep it a secret. If you are able to, or another trusted adult, you can tell their teacher, child care staff or others they spend a lot of time with. This helps to give some sense of control and safety for both you and the child, by providing the appropriate information to teachers and peers, putting in ways of supporting the child if distressed, e.g. phoning the parent, taking the child to a quiet place in the school, letting them take a break, making arrangements around special occasions such as birthdays, holidays, Mother’s/Father’s Day. Including the child in these decisions can also be helpful. BeYou has a Suicide Postvention Toolkit for schools on their website. Postvention Australia also has further resources on this website.
Grief Expressions of Young People
Young people are already going through complex transitions in their age group, including behavioural, social, cognitive, emotional, physical and spiritual developments. Many young people are exploring their identity, their independence, and relationships with peers during this time.
During adolescence, grief has the potential to accelerate or delay development. Young people can often feel overwhelmed and confused by the intensity and range of feelings they are experiencing. Their limited life experience may not prepare them to handle intense feelings in safe ways.
Many young people feel conflicted about seeking support from their parents as they are also striving for independence. They may feel alienated from peers and struggle to concentrate at school. These factors can create vulnerability, which may lead to isolation, confusion and increased risk-taking behaviour.
BEHAVIOUR
- Crying
- Intolerance or aggression toward parents and others
- Restlessness
- Erratic decision making
- Disjointed conversations
- Social isolation or withdrawal
- Resentment
- Risk-taking behaviour
- Use of alcohol or drugs
- Acting like a younger child
- Acting more like an adult
- Problems with school and schoolwork
PHYSICAL
Pains such as stomach aches or headaches
Sleeping problems or change in sleeping habits
Changes in appetite
Nausea
Lacking energy or tiredness
Restlessness or nervous energy
EMOTIONAL
- Disbelief, numbness, sadness
- Panic, helplessness
- Guilt
- Fear and anxiety
- Mood changes
- Easily upset
- Low self esteem
- Clingy
COGNITIVE
- Poor concentration
- Racing mind
- Sense of unreality
- Confusion
- Difficulty in making decisions
SPIRITUAL
Questions around spirituality:
- “Why did this happen?”
- “Why me?”
- Loss of meaning
- Questioning faith and challenging beliefs
- Searching for understanding
- Sit with the young person and let them talk, cry or be silent. If communication is difficult, it is sometimes in the car or during shared activities that conversations can be shared.
- Acknowledge their pain and distress.
- Make opportunities to share memories or look at photos of the person who has died.
- Encourage them to spend time with their friends and remain connected. Let them also have a break if they need some time to reflect.
- Many of the activities mentioned in the section “Care and Support” can be suggested to the young person, including:
- Write a letter or card to the person who has died
- Engage in creative activities like drawing, painting, making music, writing poetry, etc.
- Making playlists or mixes of music and songs that are meaningful
- Share memories with others who knew the person who has died
- Make a memory book or box – collect photos, poems, sketches, sayings/quotes, stories, mementos
- Exercise or engaging in sports.
- Be aware of your own grief and/or feeling of helpless. It helps build trust if you are honest and open about your own grief too.
- Try to keep calm in the absence or presence of strong emotional responses from the young person.
- Prepare for special days and holidays like Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries. This can include creating a new ritual or visiting the cemetery, lighting a candle, or spending time in a place special to the person who has died.
- There are practical resources for young people provided by StandBy including a grief journal and accompanying resource. See their website at https://standbysupport.com.au/resources/
- Emphasise the importance of talking about feelings whenever they may be down or sad. Explore possible key people that the young person can talk to, which may include you, another carer, relative, a teacher, counsellor, or friends. Highlight that the Kids Helpline is a good starting place for them to call or text 1800 551 800.
It is important that you don’t assume that the school teachers or counsellors know what has happened. It is also important to have a conversation with the child about what they want their classmates to know. Contact the school and advise them of the death and circumstances before your child goes back to school. You may also want to rehearse with the child what they will say to their friends or teachers so that they are well prepared. Maintain contact with the teachers and inform them of any anniversary dates and extra stressful times. It may also be helpful to discuss with the school potential issues in making gifts or being involved in events such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
There are resources and support services on suicide bereavement experienced by children and young people, as well as resources for schools, available online at the Postvention Australia website.
If your child is in crisis or emotional distress, or it may be that they may not be comfortable in speaking with you or another adult, highlight the Kids Helpline as a good starting place for them to call or text.
The viewing and funeral service provides an opportunity for children to say goodbye and express some grief. It is important for a child to be involved if they want to be. One way to involve the child is to invite them to contribute to the funeral service by choosing a favourite song, writing a letter, or drawing a card.
Prior to attending the funeral service, it would be helpful to discuss with the child what will happen at the funeral, where it will be held and what it will look like. You could also mention that people will be sad and quiet so they are prepared for what the service will be like.
Kids Help Line
1800 551 800
24 hour national telephone and online counselling service for young people aged 5-25
Postvention Australia
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