Care and Support
It is helpful to have a strong support network who provide emotional and practical support. There are things you can do for yourself, and it is also good to consider seeking additional assistance. The complexity and intensity of loss to suicide means that learning how to manage and cope is important, though not always easy.
Some approaches you can try include ...
- Eat a healthy diet, frequent small amounts of nutritious, easily digested food.
- Light exercise can assist by using up excess adrenaline.
- Use physical nurture, massage, spa baths, early nights, and get some fresh air by going for short walks.
- Avoid increased use of alcohol, smoking, prescription medication and other drugs.
- Avoid too much coffee and tea as this can disrupt sleep.
- Keep a journal to record your thoughts and feelings, especially if you are unable to sleep.
- Spend time with nature.
- Gardening.
- Make time to do things that you enjoy – you can give yourself time away from the pain. This may include:
- Painting, drawing.
- Playing or listening to music.
- Making things with your hands such as cooking, knitting, woodworking.
- By looking after yourself, you can also support those around you.
- Be with your grief – give yourself the space to cry and mourn.
- Come to accept that you will carry the grief and sadness with you from here on with different intensities yet over time it will become more manageable.
Spend the time you need alone to think, remember, pray, meditate, mourn.
- Forgive yourself if you are confused, distracted, make mistakes or have trouble remembering things – remember that your mind needs time to heal.
- Prioritise daily tasks, do only what is essential.
- Find distractions, to provide time out from the pain.
- Remember that it is okay to laugh though it may not feel comfortable.
- Start to understand what triggers you and figure out ways to limit your exposure to these, whether it be certain people, places or things, until you can approach and process them in your own time.
- Say ‘no’ when you need to.
- Collect information, read simple books about surviving suicide, or about grief and trauma, when you are ready.
- When you are ready:
- Rearrange and store the person’s belongings.
- Make resolutions for new and renewed directions in your life and in the life of your family.
- Use voicemail to screen phone calls; choose who you will talk to.
- Find ways to honour the life of the person who has died.
- Talking and sharing stories with others, cooking their favourite dish, listening to music or watching movies they liked, are all ways to remember the person you have lost.
- Review photos and mementos.
- Visit the burial site or another special place.
- Keep treasures, a memory box, journal, photo album.
- Create a memory book for family and friends to write stories, memories, messages.
- Create or build a special memento for your loved one: a garden, a video, photo album.
- Prepare for special days and holidays with your family/friends. Christmas, birthdays, and anniversaries can be difficult. times. Plan a visit to the memorial site, light a candle or maybe spend some time at the person’s favourite place.
- Talk to a trusted person who will listen with understanding to your thoughts and feelings.
- Be with people you are comfortable spending time with in conversation or in silence.
- Write notes to relatives and friends when you need to tell aspects of your story, or to express feelings.
- Remember that it is okay to ask for help with everyday tasks like meals, cleaning and child care.
- Try to stay connected and accept help from those around you. Other times, you may need to be alone.
- Develop a resource list, phone numbers of people and places to contact when the going gets tough.
- Seeking individual counselling, suicide bereavement specific services, or a support group.
The pain of losing someone to suicide can lead to thoughts of wanting to join them or to stopping the pain. Experiencing these thoughts is understandable, but it is important to reach out for professional and peer support if they become persistent and intense.
It is important to reach out for support if you feel overwhelmed. Visiting your GP or accessing 24/7 support lines can be a helpful first step; these include StandBy Support After Suicide on 1300 727 247 and Lifeline 13 11 14. There are also specialist services that understand the experience of suicide loss and can be a valuable source of information and support.
When uncomfortable emotions arise, you can try some of the exercises:
- Notice the physical sensations: Is your throat tight? Is your heart beating fast? Is your stomach in knots? Just recognising these sensations is an important step.
- Reflect on your feelings: Can you name the feeling? Acknowledge that these feelings are natural, and try not to suppress them.
- Breathe: Focus on your breaths and the sensation of your breath – in your nose, your throat and the movement of your chest. You can also try breathing with a count, for example, breathing in for four counts, holding your breath for four, and exhaling for six counts. This may have a calming effect and help you regain a sense of control.
- Express your feelings: Write about your loss in a journal; write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a memory box, scrapbook, photo album, video, artwork, poetry or music.
- If you need a break from these feelings, you may need to engage in a distracting activity or connect with others.
- If it is overwhelming, remember that it is okay to reach out for help from family, friends, a mental health professional, a crisis support line.
How to talk about what’s happened
In the very early days, it can be difficult to even say the word ‘suicide’. It can feel too traumatic, confronting and hard to believe. Initially, you may find that you choose not to tell others about the cause of death because it feels easier. However, this may result in a feeling of unease and create distance in your relationships with others.
This in turn may also lead to a lack of support and a sense of isolation. Being as open and honest as you are comfortable is recommended.
Over time, you may find that it becomes more comfortable. However, there can be interactions and conversations that continue to be challenging after losing a loved one to suicide.
You may find that some people avoid speaking about what has happened or about the person who died. Alternatively, you may find that others ask questions that feel insensitive and intrusive, for example, “how did they die?” or “why did they do it?”. Other times, you may be caught off-guard by a question, such as “how many kids do you have?”
It can help to prepare yourself for some of these conversations, by having a response prepared and practised so these situations feel manageable. A good principle to keep in mind is that it is okay for you not to answer, to only partially answer or to give a full answer. This will depend on how you are going at the time, and with whom you are talking. You may be comfortable to share more with some people than others. If you sense that someone is genuinely caring and concerned, you may say more than if someone has asked impulsively out of curiosity. A helpful phrase when you don’t want to speak about it is, “I don’t want to talk about it at the moment”.
Essentially, it is up to you how much or how little you say during any conversation.
Challenging stigma
Eventually if you feel comfortable, you may wish to speak up when friends, family, colleagues or the media express false beliefs and negative stereotypes about your loved one’s suicide. Hearing things like “that was so selfish”, “he couldn’t cope with life”, and “he didn’t consider what this would do to you” may upset you.
You can give yourself space to disengage if you are not feeling ready for these conversations. Other times, you may choose to respond with more informed explanations about these beliefs, for example:
“The majority of people who are suicidal do not want to die. They are in pain, and they want to stop the pain”.
“Anyone may be vulnerable when facing difficult circumstances or when experiencing feelings of depression or hopelessness”.
Returning to work
Eventually you may begin to think about re-engaging with the routines and structures of everyday life. For many, it is a financial necessity to return to work. For others, it is a means of keeping occupied; the routine and normality of working may provide some relief.
For others, returning to work can be difficult. Some postpone returning to employment, concerned about the additional stress created by work.
Some tips include speaking with your workplace before you return to find out what flexibility can be offered. You may need more time off, or ease into returning to work for partial days or partial weeks, or perhaps would benefit from lighter duties.
Where to find support
There is a comprehensive and up-to-date Service Directory available online on the Postvention Australia website. If you do not have access to the online directory, phone Postvention Australia on 1300 02 4357 and you will be assisted to find what you are looking for.
There are a range of options to consider when thinking about whether you or someone you know could benefit from some additional support, including:
- Suicide bereavement-specific services (or “postvention” services)
- Crisis support
- Counselling for individuals, couples, families, or friendship groups
- Support groups/peers with lived experience
StandBy Support After Suicide is a suicide bereavement-specific service operating throughout NSW.
StandBy Support After Suicide can make contact with you to offer crisis support in the initial stages and then will check in with you from time to time to see how you are going. They can offer resources for any support or assistance that you or your family might need at that time. The StandBy Support After Suicide will provide the following:
- Face to face, phone and online support for individuals and families
- Support with processes after a suicide such as coroners, funerals and media
- Specialised post-suicide counselling and group support
- Peer support from trained staff who are also bereaved by suicide
- Information resources
- Support to access other local services
- One-on-one connections and support groups with other people bereaved by suicide
- Training and workshops for communities and workplaces to build skills to respond to a suicide
All the services offered by StandBy Support After Suicide are free of charge.
Contacts
Website: https://standbysupport.com.au/find-support/nswpss
Phone: 1300 727 247
Email: postsuicidesupport@standbysupport.com.au
If you are in need of immediate emotional support, crisis support services and counselling are available to talk with you. Many of these support services are easily accessible through phone, online chat, and text and most are also available 24/7.
For emergencies, call Triple Zero on If you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call Triple Zero (000).
Suicide Callback Service
1300 659 467
suicidecallbackservice.org.au
24-hour national telephone counselling service and online counselling service for people who are suicidal or bereaved by suicide, and bereavement resources
Lifeline
13 11 14
lifeline.org.au
24-hour national telephone crisis counselling, online counselling service and resources
MensLine Australia
1300 789 978
mensline.org.au
24 hour national telephone and online counselling service for men
Open Arms – Veterans and Families Counselling Services
1800 011 046
openarms.gov.au
Confidential telephone, 24 hour counselling, support and referral for war and service-related mental health conditions as well as relationship and family matters. It is available to current and former ADF members, ADF Reservists who have served in domestic or international relief operations, DVA Health Card (white or gold) holders and their family members.
QLife
1800 184 527
qlife.org.au
Twenty10 incorporating GLCS NSW is the NSW provider for QLife (Australia-wide anonymous, LGBTI peer support and referral). Information about QLife and its services are available at their website.
These are services (also known as “postvention” services) which cater specifically for those bereaved or affected by a suicide death. This can include individuals, families and friends, witnesses, first responders, communities, workplaces, and service providers. StandBy Support After Suicide is the main suicide bereavement service for NSW. The National Indigenous Postvention Service (NIPS) is the main Indigenous service for individuals, families, and communities affected by suicide.
These postvention organisations can cover a range of services, such as counselling from professionals trained in suicide bereavement support, information and resources, guidance during the practical processes like the coronial process, community information and training events, and more.
NIPS is the main national Indigenous service for individuals, families, and communities affected by suicide. The NIPS can:
- work with local Elders, community and Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander organisations to ensure a community response is put in place to support bereaved individuals and families
- travel to provide support if invited by the family or we can provide advice to Community Leaders or Elders and local services on how best to respond
- meet with individuals and families to discuss their needs
- provide practical social support, link people with a range of local social, health and community services and where appropriate continue to work with local services to ensure care and support continues beyond the immediate aftermath of the traumatic incident
- advocate on behalf of families to assist them access the supports they need in their time of grief
Contacts
Website: thirrili.com.au
Phone: 1800 805 801 for a NIPS Postvention Advocate
This number is available 24 hours, 7 days a week. The phone is answered by an Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander Advocate. Further information available on their website.
There are more resources for specifically Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander post-suicide support on the Postvention Australia website.
Counselling for individuals, couples, families or friendship groups can be beneficial. This is an opportunity to focus on your own experience, ask questions, speak about what might be worrying you and to very specifically work out what will be helpful to you. You may need to “shop” around to find the right fit.
Counselling is available face-to-face, or by phone or telehealth. Counselling may be provided by trained counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, mental health workers, social workers, mental health nurses and others. Costs may vary, depending on the service, and you may be able to access the Medicare rebate for some psychologists and mental health services. Your workplace may have an Employee Assistance Program that you can access.
Telephone and Online Counselling Services
Lifeline
13 11 14
lifeline.org.au
24-hour national telephone crisis counselling, online counselling service and resources
Suicide Call Back Service
1300 659 467
suicidecallbackservice.org.au
24-hour national telephone counselling service and online counselling service for people who are suicidal or bereaved by suicide, and bereavement resources
BeyondBlue
1300 224 636
beyondblue.org.au
24 hour national phone information service and online chat service
Kids Help Line
1800 551 800
kidshelpline.com.au
24 hour national telephone and online counselling service for young people aged 5-25
MensLine Australia
1300 789 978
mensline.org.au
24 hour national telephone and online counselling service for men
Open Arms
1800 011 046
openarms.gov.au
National counselling and support for war and service-related mental health conditions for veterans and their families
Support Groups
Many people bereaved by suicide find group support to be very comforting and helpful. Groups can help validate grief experiences and you can experience understanding and a sense of belonging by being with those who have similar experiences. Support groups can complement other postvention services like counselling. Groups are sometimes facilitated by professional counsellors or by trained peer supporters. StandBy Support After Suicide can assist you in locating group support (phone 1300 727 247) or you can visit Postvention Australia’s Service Directory.
There are different types of groups, which includes the following:
This is a group where the members are bereaved. There may be a meeting coordinator (who sets locations and sends meeting information), however no professional advice is offered. Generally, members will gather to share their experiences and thoughts, as well as advice to others in similar situations. This can be in-person or online. These groups can be beneficial in that they provide a forum where members can speak honestly and openly with others who understand.
This is a group that has a designated facilitator. The facilitator is generally a health professional with a background or training in support groups, or a trained peer supporter. A facilitator provides structure in both the process and content of the group conversation. They may or may not have a lived experience of suicide bereavement.
An open group allows attendees to come to the group without any formal process. Some open groups may find attendance varies from meeting to meeting. There is no RSVP required (but it is best to check) and some members may have attended several times while others may be new.
A closed group limits or screens members. Members of some closed groups agree to meet regularly for a period of time and then ‘re-open’ for new members. This allows bonds to form between members of the group. Members may wish to then provide each other support outside of the group and some maintain close friendships after the group has finished. Some closed groups have a fixed structure and time (for example, an 8-week support group program).
The Road Ahead
For most people the grief and trauma of suicide is a long road. You may sometimes think that you will never recover or feel like yourself again.
There are many people who have suffered this devastating loss who go on to live satisfying and fulfilling lives. At times, they will have thought that they could not manage life following the suicide. The depth of the loss may never fully leave you, but even when it feels impossible to recover, know that there are others who know this experience and who have learned to live with it.
Postvention Australia
Find the Right Services for You
Search through our comprehensive service directory to find postvention services that best suit your needs.
Resources
For more suggestions, please visit our Resources Page for a number of helpful readings, guides and websites.
